If You Want Me To

I’ve practiced this song so many times… so I never expected that when I was singing it in front of the congregation that I would get so emotional… but oh well :-) It’s such a moving song! I just love it, and I have for years, just thought I’d share :-)

If You Want Me To
By Kyle Matthews and Ginny Owens
Soloist: Allison Irons
Accompanied By: John Barile and Betsy Nonnenmacher
Holy Trinity Lutheran Church ~ Toledo, Ohio
St. Patrick’s Day 2013

ugh! I am so sad and happy at the same time in my life right now

How can I feel like this one minute

Falling
Falling and you catch me
Falling And you’re falling
Falling in
Falling into each other
Falling with no landing
Falling with each new thing
Falling more
Falling more everyday
Falling hard
Falling fast
Falling far 
Falling for you
Falling forever
Falling
Falling
Falling into my happily ever after with you.

And feel all sad the next….

I just don’t understand it :-(

IMG_7095

…praying for understanding

Grief Stricken and Sleep Deprived OR Money and Messages From Above? You decide :-)

Today is the 9 year anniversary of the death of a great man named Bob. Bob was my fiancé. Bob got brain cancer and six weeks later he passed away. Bob was an awesome person, father, fiancé, friend, son, brother and even a great father figure to my son. With it being the anniversary of his passing I wanted to post a couple of poems I’ve written about him over the years. I also want to share a very personal story about his passing. I just want to honor his memory – I don’t have money to put anything in the local paper – so I’m going to try to honor him this way.

Bob fought the hard fight for six weeks – he wanted to live, he was scared of dying, I wouldn’t let myself believe that he wasn’t going to make it – so when he did finally let go in that hospital bed that night I was beside myself. My dad, my best friend Kris, and my brother Steve all took shifts because they didn’t want me to be alone. I remember constant crying when I wasn’t around my son – lots of nose running rambling that lasted for hours – when I did sleep, which wasn’t much, it wasn’t restful. The TV was constantly going to try to distract me and give some background noise – it wasn’t working because every other thing on TV is about death or cancer, I swear – at least it is when that’s what you’re dealing with at the time. Sigh.

The time had come to go to the funeral home. Everything was taken care of. Dad had gone with me to pick out the flower arrangement: A red rose for every year of Bob’s life in the shape of a heart with palms (because we met right around palm Sunday). I wanted a red sash that said fiancé and a yellow sash that said buddy (because that’s what he called A.J.). Mom had gone with me to get my black shoes and my very pretty black pin striped skirt suit.

It was time to go see him. I was going to see him with no life in him. I wasn’t ready. How can you ever be ready for something like that? I cry now thinking about it – the finality – the utter agony of finally finding the man of my dreams only to have him taken away? (pausing to pull myself together) My brother, my dad, Kris and I headed to the funeral home but stopped at a brand new Tim Hortons that had just opened to unite and collect ourselves first. I felt like I was gonna poop my pants and I felt like I was gonna puke. With everything in my insides wanting to come out I figured I better go sit in the bathroom (I told you it was a personal story didn’t I?) Kris went with me of course. I went in my little private stall and sat down. I remember telling Kris that I was freaking out. But then I stopped talking to her. I was so sick, I was lost, even my insides didn’t know what to do or where to go – how was I going to survive this? I remember it clear as a bell; I said out loud “Lord, you’re going to have to help me get through this.” Then all of a sudden something caught my eye – right on top of the toilet paper roll sat a shiny quarter. I said to Kris “I just found a quarter,” not really thinking much of it. Oh how I wished I knew how to turn off how scared I was in those moments, I continued sitting and feeling sick, miserable and sad. I really WAS freaking out, my legs were jelly, and my heart was pounding inside my chest at 300 miles an hour. I had never felt so desperate; at a time like this I only wanted one person – Bob. I wanted to have him help me, I wanted his hugs and his kisses and I wanted him to wipe my tears so I said out loud “Bob, I’m gonna need you to help me too.” Something caught my eye right then, shining on the floor in the stall with me was a bright shiny dime. I told Kris “Oh my gosh I just found a dime.” So as I was washing up and getting ready to leave the bathroom I was in a daze but then it dawned on me and I told Kris something to the effect of: Ya know, I really think that was Bob’s way of telling me “I’m here with you and I’m helping you 10 times more than you could ever know” and God’s way of telling me “I’m with you and I’m helping you 25 times more than you could ever know.” I told her I had to keep the coins and grabbed ‘em up, slipped them in my little black dress purse and off we went. The 3 long days at the funeral home, the funeral, and the burial were awful just like I knew they would be – but I survived thanks to my great support (both here on earth and in heaven).

So Bob was gone – but at the same time always with me, looking down from Heaven. But either way, my life was changed forever. It was like my life was split in two that day. Like when a lightning bolt splits a tree down the middle. From that moment on I’ve always looked at my life like two paths. The path I’m now on and the path I would’ve been on if Bob hadn’t died. I try not to, but, I catch myself looking over at that other path from time to time – but I look over a lot less than I used to, that’s for sure – so that’s good.

              

Bob

 

The introspective month of November

Missing Kaysee’s Bob

Written By Allison 11/14/2004 (only the first word has changed)

Nine years ago today, you passed away.

I just want to sob and lay.

I just want to pray and pray,

To God, to you and all about you.

I think of you and Kaysee with all A.J. and I do.

What would we be doing? Where would we be?

Our paths are so different with you in Heaven free.

I feel selfish ‘cuz I feel sorry for me, A.J. and most of all Kaysee.

You were our rock,

Our sense of family,

The fiancé, the step-dad and the daddy,

Then on November 14th you were gone in tragedy.

I remember trying to cope,

And only being able to mope.

I cried a lot for your daughter, who you left here on earth,

I’m sure you were sad too, ‘cuz your life’s joy was her birth.

She always filled your life with pride, meaning and drive,

I know she still does in Heaven, just like when you were alive.

We do the best we can, just like we said we would.

And we’re moving on, day by day, like you said we should.

But, we would give about anything to bring you back if we could. 

We miss you Bob! I miss you! I miss your loud-ass voice and laugh – so much it makes me sad.

I miss the way you made me smile even when I was mad.

You’d crack a joke, give a grin or say a silly lie,

Then I couldn’t help but smile and laugh no matter how hard I would try.

I guess the moral of this story is simple, but it’s true.

A.J. and I are thankful to both Kaysee and you.

Thankful that you shared yourselves with my son and me,

Thankful because now, in our hearts, you both will always be.

You’re both in our hearts and right there you’ll stay,

For always, and forever, for infinity, and a day.

We will forever love you guys, for always, come what may.

 

Still thinking of you

…I don’t know what to say…this album makes me sad and happy at the same time…

Untitled

I miss you so much,

What I would give for just one touch.

The sound and comfort of your voice,

Telling me once again that I’m your choice.

I can’t believe how unequalled you are,

I wish I didn’t feel like you were so far.

It’s been so long since I’ve dreamt of you,

Sometimes I can’t stop crying, I don’t know what to do.

I’m crying now.

I wish we could’ve taken our vow!

But we didn’t and that’s okay,

I’m on a different path now – just wish I knew the way.

I’m trying so hard,

I keep going forward.

It’s so hard not to think of where we would be,

It’s comforting and an escape to think of you and me.

I want so badly for you to hold me tight,

I know I shouldn’t, they say ‘it’s not right’.

They say ‘don’t live in the past’, ‘you have to move on’

And I’m trying – I really am, because I know that you’re gone.

But I have to honor how awesome you were!

I love you still!

I can’t help it, I always will!

 

-Allison 2/23/07

Somethings there’s just no title for – somethings you just have to read to understand

A great man

The last time there was a presidential election My daughter wasn’t alive yet; my son wasn’t in high school yet; I lived somewhere else. The last time there was a presidential election my step-dad was still alive and I remember calling him to ask him about a couple of issues on the ballot right from my machine at the polling station. I hadn’t crammed hard enough that day or in the weeks leading up to the election and I knew he had done his research and could give me an informed overview. Needless to say, this election I didn’t have him to call so a lot of issues got the words no vote next to them. (Man! I miss you Dad!)

The good new is: the Friday before Election Day was Dad’s birthday and I cleaned my mom’s (and what used to be his) house. This is good news because I got to feel kinda close to him and have many, many reminders around. Mom had a project for me in addition to the general cleaning, which was the norm; scoot her enormous bed around the room and vacuum under it as best that I could. Okay. Under mom’s bed I found many pairs of dusty shoes, an under-the-bed storage container full of clothes, a tennis ball, seventy-three cents in loose change, a small red white and blue ribbon with a stick pin in it that one wears on the lapel, an old scale from before the bathroom renovation of 2006, and I also found one lone cigarette butt. The cigarette butt was Dad’s, smoked by him, snuffed out the way he always did where it is practically folded in half, and dropped by him – for me to find years later.

I piled all the above mentioned items in the hallway just outside the (front/master) bedroom door which is also right outside the middle bedroom door, except when I came to the cigarette butt, that I studied, then I thought about saving it… then I thought about how dad would have probably thought I was crazy if I saved it (plus, when I cleaned his basement workshop area for mom I stored away a whole ashtray full of ‘em :-)) so I walked in the opposite direction of the doorway pile toward the little wastebasket with the rounded, swinging  cover and swung the little lid open just enough to slip the butt through.

On with the cleaning. Vacuumed, vacuumed, vacuumed, dusted cords, moved the bed, vacuumed, vacuumed, vacuumed,  moved the bed, vacuumed, vacuumed, vacuumed, and so on. Used all my might to push the bed back into its original position. Time to deal with the pile out side of the door. Threw the tennis ball down the stairs for the dog, put the under-the-bed storage container beck under the bed and picked up the first two pair of shoes to store them in the middle bedroom closet untill mom lets me know what she wants done with them. I walked through the carpeted room that used to be mine and is now a redecorated version of itself for guests, opened the closet door and started a neat row of shoes along one side. I returned to the pile, picked up two more pairs and swung around to walk them to the closet and something caught my eye. On the carpet, directly in my path to the closet was that cigarette butt. I put the shoes in the closet row and returned to the middle of the room, bent over, and picked up that cigarette butt. Again I studied it. Had I thrown it away? Or did I just think I did and really I threw it on the pile in the door way – then still… how did it get 12 feet away from the pile in the middle of the room? It couldn’t have bounced – and why didn’t I see it on my first two trips through the immaculate room that used to be mine and that I knew every inch of? Plus I knew I threw it away, I remembered doing it … Dad was having fun with me on his birthday! I placed the cigarette butt in the butterfly dish where I had put that red white and blue lapel ribbon and the seventy-three cents. Mom could decide what to do with them.

On with the cleaning – but definitely more distracted, yet feeling pretty special at the same time. Vacuumed, vacuumed, vacuumed, dusted, dusted, dusted, wiped, cleaned, scrubbed. Mom was going to be arriving home soon so I started wrapping up for the day. I was standing at the kitchen sink finishing washing my hands when, for a split second, out of the corner of my eye, standing right in front of the sun room door I saw Dad. He wasnt his big, scruffy, gruff self but he was there! I felt him there. I felt him the same way I felt his presence in the house when I used to come and clean for extra money when he was alive and we would sit and talk on my breaks. He was the type of person that was always very present, both in his attentiveness to his loved ones and because he’d be smoking his cigarettes, and engaging everyone in deep conversations. So I knew and will always know it was him, he was present there with me, just for a glimpse, but the feeling will last forever. (Oh how I miss you Dad! Thank you for the few extra fleeting seconds with you.)

Mom came home soon after that and I told her about the stuff – I don’t think she knew how to handle the information, she didn’t react much and the rest of the time I was there it was ‘business as usual’. After some examination she said the under-the-bed storage was dad’s stuff so I tucked that cigarette butt in it before labeling it and storing it away in the basement. She told me I could have the seventy-three cents (finders fees), and, as she was sorting laundry to be washed, we discussed what she wanted done with a few more things  – on with life as normal I guess.